Not too much going on around here. Danielle is going to the district spelling bee and won a poster contest about 2nd hand smoke. YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I dropped my pred dosage to 10.5mgs and went back to feeling like shiznit. I don’t think winter is ever going to come to an end. I really wish it would. The toes are still not moving at all. Bed rest is getting annoying and tiresome. So is getting around with crutches. Oh well, such is life. Have to deal with what rolls my way.
I got an electric blanket! OMG so incredibly awesome. I love sleeping in toasty goodness. It feels like you just took your blanket out of the dryer and it stays warm forever lol. All my joints are nice and warm and I am waking up with slightly less stiffness in the morning. Plus I don’t have the heaviness of a bunch of blankets piled on top of me.
After taking a week off of work to care for me when I was really bad, Danny is back to pounding out the overtime. He is working all weekend this weekend. There are times I really feel like a single parent and my boyfriend is spending the night with me lol. I couldn’t really ask for a better husband or for more support from him. Sometimes the kids just get draining. I’m sure I get draining on them too lol. I’m getting to the point where I can do more household chores and I am sure that is a relief for them. I move pretty slow doing them, but I get the job done. I want to take over cooking dinner again, but Arielle insists on doing it. OK, let her. She is getting better and better every day with cooking. There are times you can not tell that a 14 year old girl made supper. You would think it was an adult that made it. She was taught in her Foods class how to cut up a chicken and now she wants to get a whole chicken and cut it up and make soup out of it. I say you go girl!! She also has a recipe for chicken flavored with lime. We are going to let her make that too. This kid has a talent. I’m very proud of her.
I am crocheting again!! Even tho I am not doing as well on the 10.5mg dose of pred, I can still crochet. I have to take breaks and I am not as fast as I used to be, but at least I am doing it again. That is a huge milestone for me. I struggled thru finishing the blanket for my great niece and didn’t crochet for a month or so after that. I just couldn’t. Now I am back to working on the huge blanket for my sis in law.
I can’t wait to get down to IL to see our new niece. With all the OT Danny is working, I don’t know when we will make it down. Thankfully my niece has a website and she posts pics regularly of the baby. She really is cute. Like Danny, Mike makes a good looking girl lol. Jackie is doing well and the baby is sleeping well. Thank goodness.
I’m outta here for a yogurt and a piece of fruit. MMmmmm food. I hate pred sometimes lol.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Doc Visit and Other Stuffs
Well, went to the rheumy on the 5th. He signed the papers for FMLA for Danny, said to mail him the paperwork for the disabled parking placard, and gave me an order for a home health aide without batting an eyelash. Unfortunately my insurance does not cover a home health aide. Only for skilled nursing stuff.
Rheumy seems to think that the immovable toes could possibly be neuropathy since a steroid injection and now 2 rounds of oral steroids are not doing a damn thing for them. So it probably is not RA related so to speak. Well, it isn't the RA directly causing the issue, but indirectly. So it is off to the neurologist for me. Unfortunately rheumy is afraid I really waited too long to get this treated and that I might lose function not only in the toes, but in my foot permanently. We will see what the neurologist says when I see him at the beginning of March. I also had a 3 phase bone scan. That was interesting to say the least. I should get the results of that by the end of next week. I will probably call rheumy Thursday if I have not heard from him by then.
Life is getting to the point of where I am very frustrated and tired of being sick. Being able to do minimal things in life is getting to me. My rheumy said try not to be frustrated but it is easier said than done. I was once a pretty active person and now nothing but a regime of rest, pain killers, tests, and injections. I feel useless to my family and a burden to them. They have to do some of my personal care and all of my housework. Hopefully this is just because winter has been particularly hard on me (and others according to my rheumy) and I will start to get better come Spring time. I certainly hope so. I want to camp and all that good stuff. But that is going to depend on my foot. And my knee. No knee replacement until my foot issue is resolved. I am hoping and praying that it can be resolved either medically or with some therapy. I don’t want to face surgery on my foot because that just sounds very painful. But if that resolves it and saves my toes, that is what I have to do.
We are getting a shower chair and a hand held shower head for me sometime this week. It will be easier for me to sit in the shower and easier to wash my hair whether I am doing it or Danny and the kids are doing it.
My family and my girlfriends have been just wonderful to me thru this ridiculously long flare. I love you all and thank you so much for being there for me.
We have a new family member! Our niece had her baby on Feb 3rd! Welcome to the family Grace Lynn! She weighed in at 8lbs. 2oz and 20.5 inches long. Mom and baby are doing just great. Big brother Tyler is just as proud as can be. He is a fantastic big brother. We love you all and will hopefully be down soon to see everyone. Congrats Jackie, Mike, and Tyler!
Rheumy seems to think that the immovable toes could possibly be neuropathy since a steroid injection and now 2 rounds of oral steroids are not doing a damn thing for them. So it probably is not RA related so to speak. Well, it isn't the RA directly causing the issue, but indirectly. So it is off to the neurologist for me. Unfortunately rheumy is afraid I really waited too long to get this treated and that I might lose function not only in the toes, but in my foot permanently. We will see what the neurologist says when I see him at the beginning of March. I also had a 3 phase bone scan. That was interesting to say the least. I should get the results of that by the end of next week. I will probably call rheumy Thursday if I have not heard from him by then.
Life is getting to the point of where I am very frustrated and tired of being sick. Being able to do minimal things in life is getting to me. My rheumy said try not to be frustrated but it is easier said than done. I was once a pretty active person and now nothing but a regime of rest, pain killers, tests, and injections. I feel useless to my family and a burden to them. They have to do some of my personal care and all of my housework. Hopefully this is just because winter has been particularly hard on me (and others according to my rheumy) and I will start to get better come Spring time. I certainly hope so. I want to camp and all that good stuff. But that is going to depend on my foot. And my knee. No knee replacement until my foot issue is resolved. I am hoping and praying that it can be resolved either medically or with some therapy. I don’t want to face surgery on my foot because that just sounds very painful. But if that resolves it and saves my toes, that is what I have to do.
We are getting a shower chair and a hand held shower head for me sometime this week. It will be easier for me to sit in the shower and easier to wash my hair whether I am doing it or Danny and the kids are doing it.
My family and my girlfriends have been just wonderful to me thru this ridiculously long flare. I love you all and thank you so much for being there for me.
We have a new family member! Our niece had her baby on Feb 3rd! Welcome to the family Grace Lynn! She weighed in at 8lbs. 2oz and 20.5 inches long. Mom and baby are doing just great. Big brother Tyler is just as proud as can be. He is a fantastic big brother. We love you all and will hopefully be down soon to see everyone. Congrats Jackie, Mike, and Tyler!
Thursday, February 1, 2007
The Mall, A flare, and other goodies
Yeah yeah I have been slacking. But I have been flaring. I was on a pred pack and now feeling a little better. I got out and went to the mall the other day. I used a wheelchair there so nagging from the peanut gallery!! I got my Valentines Day present early too. Another set of Mickey and Minnie dolls. These are specific to Valentines Day. Mickey is dressed as cupid with wings and and a bow and arrow. Minnie is just Minnie but the old fashioned one. They are cute as heck. When I die, my kids are going to auction off my pristine collection of Mickey and Minnie dolls and make a fortune lol.
We are getting an artic cold snap starting on Saturday. Lows dipping below zero and highs in the single digits. Wind chill factors at 25 below and lower at times. This is supposed last until Wednesday. We are supposed to have the coldest temps in the last decade. Oh yay. NOT! LOL. Of course I have a rheumy appointment Monday lol. That is about the only time I will be venturing out since the cold is not good for my asthma. The asthma has been acting up lately too. I can’t seem to shake the heavy feeling in my chest lately. I think it is just the cold weather and the flare that is making it bug out. If I am no better by the time the artic blast leaves I will make a doc appointment.
My family has been their usual wonderful selves during this past flare. Danny is very attentive to my needs and is right there when I need something. I know this is draining on him and I am hoping that my rheumy will write the script for a home health aide to come a couple of times a week and help out. Cart me around on errands etc. to give Danny a much needed break. Also to give the girls a little break with the housework etc. I don’t expect the aide to clean animal cages tho. That will remain the responsibility of the girls. But they do light housework which will be a welcome break for the girlies. And for me too. It will be cleaned the way it should be. Not the teenage way lol. I have nifty cleaning gadgets too. So doing stuff like my floors or my tiny bathroom won’t be too bad for the aide. Just hope whoever it is will be a nice person and someone that likes to joke around and isn’t too serious. Even tho I need an aide, I still want to make it as enjoyable for that person as possible. They are doing a service for me that is greatly appreciated.
My niece is overdue and very uncomfortable. I feel so badly for her. I just wanna hug her and tell her it will be ok. I did when we saw her last Sunday. I hope it helped. Everyone is bugging her about being overdue and when is Gracie coming. Sheeesh people leave the poor child alone. Gracie will either come when she is damn good and ready or my niece will be induced and we won’t give Gracie a choice about when she comes. My niece was late with my great nephew and I expect this to be a pattern for her. Poor baby. Mike wants another one and Jackie isn’t too hip on that right now. Maybe in a few years lol. Calm down Mike lol. You guys will just know when the time is right. Jackie does look fabulous tho. You can not tell that she is pregnant from behind. She still just glows and is very beautiful. She doesn’t think so, but we all see it and know.
Well, the mtx is kicking in early. I am tired and kind of nauseated. I think I will take a phenagren and toddle off to the bed. Danny must be working late because he is not home yet. Poor guy. I love him so much and feel so bad for him sometimes. Lately he has had to work in a barrel that has to be pre heated to 400 degrees. Lots of sweating going on there. It is just draining on him. Then on top of it I pile what I need. Thankfully he is a patient man with me. I can’t wait to get that aide relieve some of the burden of me from him. Thank goodness that man loves me as he does. I would be lost without him. Both physically and emotionally.
My Katie Kat is having a rough time lately too. I am worried about her. She won’t take the pred and she needs to. I guess me and Kami will have to gang up on her again if she still won’t take it. Me, Kami, and Deanna ganged up on her tonight and I don’t know if she is going to listen to us. I hope she does. I will have to beat her with my crutches if she doesn’t. Katie has one more month til insurance. If we can just get her to take the pred she will have a better time of it waiting for that insurance. I love that woman dearly but sheeeesh she is a stubborn one. Worse than I am sometimes. I guess I will just have to call her daily and check on her. And nag her about the pred. When you have RA, your body does not produce enough corticosteroids on its own. That is why we need the pred so often. And that is why it is hard to wean off of it. Once we get to 7.5mg our bodies freak out. If it isn’t one thing, it’s another when you have RA.
Sushi is doing great. We are a big success and now you can find us on the first page of a Google search. WOOOHOO we are big time now!!! We were so happy when we saw that. We work hard on Sushi making it great not only for us, but for all of our members. And without them we wouldn’t have a Sushi at all. So thank you to everyone that visits us and for making us the success that we are.
Good night everyone. Stay warm!!!
We are getting an artic cold snap starting on Saturday. Lows dipping below zero and highs in the single digits. Wind chill factors at 25 below and lower at times. This is supposed last until Wednesday. We are supposed to have the coldest temps in the last decade. Oh yay. NOT! LOL. Of course I have a rheumy appointment Monday lol. That is about the only time I will be venturing out since the cold is not good for my asthma. The asthma has been acting up lately too. I can’t seem to shake the heavy feeling in my chest lately. I think it is just the cold weather and the flare that is making it bug out. If I am no better by the time the artic blast leaves I will make a doc appointment.
My family has been their usual wonderful selves during this past flare. Danny is very attentive to my needs and is right there when I need something. I know this is draining on him and I am hoping that my rheumy will write the script for a home health aide to come a couple of times a week and help out. Cart me around on errands etc. to give Danny a much needed break. Also to give the girls a little break with the housework etc. I don’t expect the aide to clean animal cages tho. That will remain the responsibility of the girls. But they do light housework which will be a welcome break for the girlies. And for me too. It will be cleaned the way it should be. Not the teenage way lol. I have nifty cleaning gadgets too. So doing stuff like my floors or my tiny bathroom won’t be too bad for the aide. Just hope whoever it is will be a nice person and someone that likes to joke around and isn’t too serious. Even tho I need an aide, I still want to make it as enjoyable for that person as possible. They are doing a service for me that is greatly appreciated.
My niece is overdue and very uncomfortable. I feel so badly for her. I just wanna hug her and tell her it will be ok. I did when we saw her last Sunday. I hope it helped. Everyone is bugging her about being overdue and when is Gracie coming. Sheeesh people leave the poor child alone. Gracie will either come when she is damn good and ready or my niece will be induced and we won’t give Gracie a choice about when she comes. My niece was late with my great nephew and I expect this to be a pattern for her. Poor baby. Mike wants another one and Jackie isn’t too hip on that right now. Maybe in a few years lol. Calm down Mike lol. You guys will just know when the time is right. Jackie does look fabulous tho. You can not tell that she is pregnant from behind. She still just glows and is very beautiful. She doesn’t think so, but we all see it and know.
Well, the mtx is kicking in early. I am tired and kind of nauseated. I think I will take a phenagren and toddle off to the bed. Danny must be working late because he is not home yet. Poor guy. I love him so much and feel so bad for him sometimes. Lately he has had to work in a barrel that has to be pre heated to 400 degrees. Lots of sweating going on there. It is just draining on him. Then on top of it I pile what I need. Thankfully he is a patient man with me. I can’t wait to get that aide relieve some of the burden of me from him. Thank goodness that man loves me as he does. I would be lost without him. Both physically and emotionally.
My Katie Kat is having a rough time lately too. I am worried about her. She won’t take the pred and she needs to. I guess me and Kami will have to gang up on her again if she still won’t take it. Me, Kami, and Deanna ganged up on her tonight and I don’t know if she is going to listen to us. I hope she does. I will have to beat her with my crutches if she doesn’t. Katie has one more month til insurance. If we can just get her to take the pred she will have a better time of it waiting for that insurance. I love that woman dearly but sheeeesh she is a stubborn one. Worse than I am sometimes. I guess I will just have to call her daily and check on her. And nag her about the pred. When you have RA, your body does not produce enough corticosteroids on its own. That is why we need the pred so often. And that is why it is hard to wean off of it. Once we get to 7.5mg our bodies freak out. If it isn’t one thing, it’s another when you have RA.
Sushi is doing great. We are a big success and now you can find us on the first page of a Google search. WOOOHOO we are big time now!!! We were so happy when we saw that. We work hard on Sushi making it great not only for us, but for all of our members. And without them we wouldn’t have a Sushi at all. So thank you to everyone that visits us and for making us the success that we are.
Good night everyone. Stay warm!!!
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Feeling Better And Other Tidbits Of Life
Whew, what a flare. It was miserable until I called the doc and got a pred pack and some Ambien to help me sleep. I hadn’t slept for 3 nights and I was crabby. Well, beyond crabby. The pred pack is working on the all over flare. The swelling in my hands has gone down and I have the energy back to use my crutches instead of leaning on people when I need to get up. However, my foot is still the same. The pred hasn’t touched it. So now we are wondering if the foot is something else besides an RA flare. I sure hope not.
Danny went back to work today after staying home for 2 days to care for me. I really appreciated him doing that. He has never stayed home before to care for me. I was pretty bad tho. It was miserable. He was very worried. He played his game to relax and would get up when I needed him to in the middle of the night with me. He went out today before work and picked up my scripts for me and did a little shopping. I would really be screwed without him. I just don’t know what I would do. I thank God everyday for sending me such a wonderful partner in life. He dose need to focus on himself some more tho. His acid reflux is really bothering him and he needs to get back to the doc about it but he won’t. Makes me mad. He needs to care for himself because me and the girls want him around for a very long time. So I guess I need to talk to him about that.
Going to get some really cold weather this weekend. I will be staying in since it not only affects my RA, but asthma too. Bleargh. I can’t wait for Spring. Winter has been hard on all my RA friends. We are all waiting for spring but it seems so far away when you are stiff and in pain every single day.
Today was shot day. Both of them. Tired tomorrow. Foggy Friday!! LOL. I guess it is better than not having any meds at all. I would really be curled up in a whimpering little ball. All this bed rest is getting on my nerves. There is only so much you can watch on TV. Only so much crocheting I can do in a day. So much reading I can do in a day. I need another hobby lol.
Why does it seem like the kids act up more when I feel miserable? Maybe I am not giving them as much attention as they are used to. I just don’t have the energy when I flare like that. I tried to explain this to them and they were like ok mom….but it made no difference. Bleargh. I love my kids and they are my world, but some days I can’t wait for them to move out lol. But then I think, now what am I going to do with myself? My life has revolved around taking care of them and making sure they grow into respectable productive adults and members of the society. All I know is that they better visit me often lol. And they can only move 1 block away lol. I wonder if I will ever stop worrying about them. I hope I’m not a wreck when they do leave. I don’t want to be one of those hovering mothers lol. It’s going to take a lot of control NOT to be. Well, they can move farther than 1 block away. But they better call me a whole damn lot lol.
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaawn. I feel a nap coming on. Ahhh the never ending fatigue of RA. It is amazing how much it takes out of you. Why I never knew it would take so much energy for my body to turn against itself lol. What the heck is going on in there? 30 mile hikes? LOL! Time for some Doritos, a little reading, and a little nap. Yes, Doritos. That is the latest prednisone craving lol. And I only want to eat them when I read. And I only want to read right before a nap. STOOPID PRED!!!! But hey, I can crutch again lol.
Danny went back to work today after staying home for 2 days to care for me. I really appreciated him doing that. He has never stayed home before to care for me. I was pretty bad tho. It was miserable. He was very worried. He played his game to relax and would get up when I needed him to in the middle of the night with me. He went out today before work and picked up my scripts for me and did a little shopping. I would really be screwed without him. I just don’t know what I would do. I thank God everyday for sending me such a wonderful partner in life. He dose need to focus on himself some more tho. His acid reflux is really bothering him and he needs to get back to the doc about it but he won’t. Makes me mad. He needs to care for himself because me and the girls want him around for a very long time. So I guess I need to talk to him about that.
Going to get some really cold weather this weekend. I will be staying in since it not only affects my RA, but asthma too. Bleargh. I can’t wait for Spring. Winter has been hard on all my RA friends. We are all waiting for spring but it seems so far away when you are stiff and in pain every single day.
Today was shot day. Both of them. Tired tomorrow. Foggy Friday!! LOL. I guess it is better than not having any meds at all. I would really be curled up in a whimpering little ball. All this bed rest is getting on my nerves. There is only so much you can watch on TV. Only so much crocheting I can do in a day. So much reading I can do in a day. I need another hobby lol.
Why does it seem like the kids act up more when I feel miserable? Maybe I am not giving them as much attention as they are used to. I just don’t have the energy when I flare like that. I tried to explain this to them and they were like ok mom….but it made no difference. Bleargh. I love my kids and they are my world, but some days I can’t wait for them to move out lol. But then I think, now what am I going to do with myself? My life has revolved around taking care of them and making sure they grow into respectable productive adults and members of the society. All I know is that they better visit me often lol. And they can only move 1 block away lol. I wonder if I will ever stop worrying about them. I hope I’m not a wreck when they do leave. I don’t want to be one of those hovering mothers lol. It’s going to take a lot of control NOT to be. Well, they can move farther than 1 block away. But they better call me a whole damn lot lol.
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaawn. I feel a nap coming on. Ahhh the never ending fatigue of RA. It is amazing how much it takes out of you. Why I never knew it would take so much energy for my body to turn against itself lol. What the heck is going on in there? 30 mile hikes? LOL! Time for some Doritos, a little reading, and a little nap. Yes, Doritos. That is the latest prednisone craving lol. And I only want to eat them when I read. And I only want to read right before a nap. STOOPID PRED!!!! But hey, I can crutch again lol.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Sorry I have been slacking on my blog, but there really hasn’t been too much going on lately. Same thing different day. Still no toe movement and it has been one week exactly since the steroid injection in my foot. Still have pain and swelling and managing with the crutches. I still have not figured out how to sleep with the dang thing elevated. I always kick out the pillows I have my leg propped up on. So I wake up all nice and swollen. Anyone have any ideas please let me know.
Prayers are needed for friends of ours. One of the guys that worked with Danny for a time (he moved on to new employment) fell 25 feet last night and was not expected to make it thru the night. He sustained severe head trauma. His wife still works with Danny but is currently on maternity leave. Their baby is now 2 months old. These are just wonderful people. Always smiling, laughing, quick with a joke, just in general good people. Between them they have 11 kids. Please pray for this family.
This has really hit home for me and Danny. Working in a shop can be dangerous. Heck working anywhere can be. I always tell Danny when he leaves for work in the afternoons I love you and be careful. After he tells me last night about our friend, he proceeds to tell me that he scampered up a boom and didn’t tie off. I promptly told him he better (bleep) tie off because if anything happens I will be that (bleep) standing over your hospital bed yelling at you that you were an (bleep) and that you better (bleep) stay in a coma until I’m done being (bleep) pissed off at you for such a stupid move. You don’t want to be awake right now cuz I am really (bleep) pissed off at you. I wouldn’t really do that tho. I would be crying my eyes out and praying and holding his hand and talking to him and telling him I love him, and just really beside myself. Please kiss your loved one and tell them you love them before they leave for work. I do not know what I would do without Danny. It would be like losing a part of me that I could never have back. He is my rock, my shelter in the storm of life, my everything.
Yesterday was an incredibly bad RA day. I do not where this came from or why. I was simply miserable. I still am. I could not sit, stand, walk, or do anything comfortably. My girls (I LOVE YOU GIRLIES!!!) helped so much yesterday. Arielle made dinner as usual. Danielle volunteered to wash, condition, and brush my hair for me. She did a darn good job too. She even helped me in and out of the tub. That is something she usually has Ellie do since she is at that where seeing mom nekkie is a little uncomfy. Once she gets comfy with her changing body, that will all change. Yesterday was the first time I could not wash my hair by myself. Sigh. Is winter over yet? Can I do the I Dream of Jeannie blink and make it Spring? I’m having the toughest time this winter. I have been thru a partial and full winter since coming back from AZ. This is the first one that really has made an impact on my RA. I guess I better get my butt of denial and face the facts. Winter sucks. LOL. I love the snow and all the fun you can have it in, but this cold weather for sure does not love me at all. Danny said to me, hun I expected this to happen. Why do you think I dreaded moving back up here. I guess I convinced myself that it wouldn’t happen since it took so dang long to happen. I miss remission I really do. Granted my meds were keeping me in remission, but who cares it was remission. I was basically in it up until I got sick in Oct. and I can’t seem to reach that again. I don’t even come close lately. It is a mile away it seems like. Even the meds are not keeping the hungry wolf that is RA at bay. Thank goodness for my family that keeps me strong and keeps me from giving up hope. They never view me as I view myself at times. As a partial person. A person that can no longer contribute what she needs to for her family. They are just happy that I am Mom, wife, friend, companion, and the list goes on. Without them, I would be much worse off emotional wise than what I am. Prozac helps too lol.
It was a sleepless night for me. The new of our friend plus the pain that woke me at 2am did not allow for sleep. I finally got Danny into a nice sleep about 330am. He tossed and turned and clung to me. We normally sleep snuggled up together but he was really snuggled up to me. My mouth feels fuzzy from too many Tums. I think I will go brush my teeth and lie back down. I can’t sit here anymore anyways. UGH. I’m gonna hate not being online for a long period of time lol. I do so much research and stuff. This is really gonna be suckie!!! Flare, flare, go away. Don’t come again any other day!!!
Prayers are needed for friends of ours. One of the guys that worked with Danny for a time (he moved on to new employment) fell 25 feet last night and was not expected to make it thru the night. He sustained severe head trauma. His wife still works with Danny but is currently on maternity leave. Their baby is now 2 months old. These are just wonderful people. Always smiling, laughing, quick with a joke, just in general good people. Between them they have 11 kids. Please pray for this family.
This has really hit home for me and Danny. Working in a shop can be dangerous. Heck working anywhere can be. I always tell Danny when he leaves for work in the afternoons I love you and be careful. After he tells me last night about our friend, he proceeds to tell me that he scampered up a boom and didn’t tie off. I promptly told him he better (bleep) tie off because if anything happens I will be that (bleep) standing over your hospital bed yelling at you that you were an (bleep) and that you better (bleep) stay in a coma until I’m done being (bleep) pissed off at you for such a stupid move. You don’t want to be awake right now cuz I am really (bleep) pissed off at you. I wouldn’t really do that tho. I would be crying my eyes out and praying and holding his hand and talking to him and telling him I love him, and just really beside myself. Please kiss your loved one and tell them you love them before they leave for work. I do not know what I would do without Danny. It would be like losing a part of me that I could never have back. He is my rock, my shelter in the storm of life, my everything.
Yesterday was an incredibly bad RA day. I do not where this came from or why. I was simply miserable. I still am. I could not sit, stand, walk, or do anything comfortably. My girls (I LOVE YOU GIRLIES!!!) helped so much yesterday. Arielle made dinner as usual. Danielle volunteered to wash, condition, and brush my hair for me. She did a darn good job too. She even helped me in and out of the tub. That is something she usually has Ellie do since she is at that where seeing mom nekkie is a little uncomfy. Once she gets comfy with her changing body, that will all change. Yesterday was the first time I could not wash my hair by myself. Sigh. Is winter over yet? Can I do the I Dream of Jeannie blink and make it Spring? I’m having the toughest time this winter. I have been thru a partial and full winter since coming back from AZ. This is the first one that really has made an impact on my RA. I guess I better get my butt of denial and face the facts. Winter sucks. LOL. I love the snow and all the fun you can have it in, but this cold weather for sure does not love me at all. Danny said to me, hun I expected this to happen. Why do you think I dreaded moving back up here. I guess I convinced myself that it wouldn’t happen since it took so dang long to happen. I miss remission I really do. Granted my meds were keeping me in remission, but who cares it was remission. I was basically in it up until I got sick in Oct. and I can’t seem to reach that again. I don’t even come close lately. It is a mile away it seems like. Even the meds are not keeping the hungry wolf that is RA at bay. Thank goodness for my family that keeps me strong and keeps me from giving up hope. They never view me as I view myself at times. As a partial person. A person that can no longer contribute what she needs to for her family. They are just happy that I am Mom, wife, friend, companion, and the list goes on. Without them, I would be much worse off emotional wise than what I am. Prozac helps too lol.
It was a sleepless night for me. The new of our friend plus the pain that woke me at 2am did not allow for sleep. I finally got Danny into a nice sleep about 330am. He tossed and turned and clung to me. We normally sleep snuggled up together but he was really snuggled up to me. My mouth feels fuzzy from too many Tums. I think I will go brush my teeth and lie back down. I can’t sit here anymore anyways. UGH. I’m gonna hate not being online for a long period of time lol. I do so much research and stuff. This is really gonna be suckie!!! Flare, flare, go away. Don’t come again any other day!!!
Friday, January 19, 2007
Tender Foot and Other Stuffs
Well, I have a tender foot. Yep doctors will even put needles in your feet lol. I got a boost of steroids in the bad foot the other day at the doc office. Wow, how uncomfortable that injection was. Whew. I am not a wimp to medical procedures since I have been facing them most of my life. I can usually watch just about anything and have watched my knee surgeries. I’m usually awake for those too. Danny had to hold my hand for this one and I couldn’t watch. I thought I was going to break his hand when my doc was doing that injection. Poor Danny, he hates needles and he had stay with me for that one. He just turned his back and closed his eyes. I held one hand and he stroked my head with the other one. I was doing deep breathing and saying ow, ow, ow the whole time. My doc is such a nice guy (even tho he stuck a needle in my foot lol) and was saying I’m sorry the whole time lol. He even rubbed my back a little when I sat up when he was done. The hope was that putting the steroid right where the problem is that the steroid would do it’s job and take care of the inflammation. No such luck. I still have no movement in those toes and retain the little movement I had in my big toe and the toe next to it. To say this is frustrating is an understatement. I just don’t know what else to do. My next RD appointment is Feb. 3rd. We will have to wait til then to see what he says. My pcp doc will do no more than the steroid injection since I have a top notch RD. I am not sure if I can do an MRI because I have titanium plates and screws in that leg from my high tibial osteotomy. All I know is that something has to be done. I can’t do crap and it sucks. The crutches are getting pretty annoying too. Crutch to the bathroom…crutch to the kitchen…make some food…have someone carry it for me. What really sucks is when Danny is sleeping and I’m hungry, I have to walk on it. I kinda walk on the side where the big toe is lol. I walk all lopsided. I can’t put full weight on it…it would hurt tooo dang much. I need to get a bell that I can ring when I want something lol. Man that would drive the kids nuts. MUUUUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Our mild winter disappeared somewhere and I think to never be seen again. It is cold out. I’m getting impatient waiting for spring to come. We had to 4 wheel down the driveway this morning. Wheeeeeeeeeeee! Danny parked a little too close to the porch for me and we got stuck in a drift. Shifted into 4 wheel drive and off we went! I love 4 wheel drive. Yes, I was naughty and I went out today. He said bank and then Walmart and I was out of that bed like a shot crutching down the hall to get dressed lol. I had to get some things there that I personally wanted to get. Not that I don’t trust him, but it was something I wanted to do too. I rode on the electric carts. They are faster than the ones at the grocery lol. I almost ran Danny over lol. That woulda been funny. I can just see the look on his face lol. I rested when I got home and even managed a nap with all of the kids that I have here tonight. I miss Danny tonight. 40 minutes til he gets home. I have found that I miss him more when I am not feeling very well. His mere presence in the house makes me feel better. It is comforting and soothing. I guess it is because he is my rock and foundation in all of this and he makes me feel safe. Safe like if anything happens to me he is here. Safe like I am protected. I always fear that someone is going to break in and I can not defend myself and the girls. I have my dog and I know he will attack someone if something happened, but, he can be overpowered and hurt. I guess Danny is just my safe haven in this storm of life.
Our mild winter disappeared somewhere and I think to never be seen again. It is cold out. I’m getting impatient waiting for spring to come. We had to 4 wheel down the driveway this morning. Wheeeeeeeeeeee! Danny parked a little too close to the porch for me and we got stuck in a drift. Shifted into 4 wheel drive and off we went! I love 4 wheel drive. Yes, I was naughty and I went out today. He said bank and then Walmart and I was out of that bed like a shot crutching down the hall to get dressed lol. I had to get some things there that I personally wanted to get. Not that I don’t trust him, but it was something I wanted to do too. I rode on the electric carts. They are faster than the ones at the grocery lol. I almost ran Danny over lol. That woulda been funny. I can just see the look on his face lol. I rested when I got home and even managed a nap with all of the kids that I have here tonight. I miss Danny tonight. 40 minutes til he gets home. I have found that I miss him more when I am not feeling very well. His mere presence in the house makes me feel better. It is comforting and soothing. I guess it is because he is my rock and foundation in all of this and he makes me feel safe. Safe like if anything happens to me he is here. Safe like I am protected. I always fear that someone is going to break in and I can not defend myself and the girls. I have my dog and I know he will attack someone if something happened, but, he can be overpowered and hurt. I guess Danny is just my safe haven in this storm of life.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
RA Hate Day!!! And Other Worries.
MMmmmm coooooooffffeeeeee. Usually I can start my day without it because I get enough sleep. Not today lol. Up at 7 with Little D to get her off to school. Then have to get other child up for doc appointment by 815 or so. Then have to get hubby up to drive us to doc appointment. Then have to hit the store after doc appointment for some supplies. Like hot chocolate and spaghetti noodles. I want darn spaghetti and I don’t have spaghetti noodles lol.
Arielle’s knees have been hurting and that kind of worries me. Although the official studies say that there is not a genetic link that pre disposes you to RA, I think that is bunk. That is why my gramma had it, my mom has it, and my uncle has it. That is why I also think my oldest daughter has it. Now it looks like mebbe the middle daughter has it too. What a great thing to pass down to your kids eh. Talk about having some Mom guilt going on. I know that it isn’t my fault. There was nothing I could do to stop my RA from developing and there is nothing I can do to stop it in my kids. But I still feel guilty for handing down this defect that they don’t deserve. Well nobody deserves it. Here girls, you got this really great hair and beautiful eyes from me. But wait…here is something else that will overshadow all that and make you feel like crap and not give a damn that you have great hair and beautiful eyes. My middle daughter has the most beautiful hands with these long thin fingers. She could be a hand model. Well scratch that if she has arthritis. And what would that do to her dreams and aspirations of becoming a top notch chef with her own restaurant? Ugh I hate being Italian sometimes. That stupid worry gene. If my grandmother had 2 kids and they both developed RA, what are the chances that 2 out of 3 of the girls will get it? In this case the words in that Meatloaf song that 2 out of 3 ain’t bad does not apply here. What if my baby gets it? The child is just bent on going into the Navy and being a pilot. The child is just bent period lol. She wants to fly fighters off of Carriers lol. I KNOW my oldest daughter has it. But the child is having issues at this time and has no insurance so therefore no hope of treatment. She is only 21 and I know that there is damage going on. I don’t want any of my girlies to live the life that I do. I want them to have all good years. Not some good years. I want them to NOT have to worry about injections and infections and flares and side effects from meds and missing out on their kids school stuff and the list goes on and on. I fear that I will not be able to walk down the aisle for any of my girls weddings. I will either have a cane, crutches, or a wheelchair. I have nightmares about it. I want to take care of my child and grandchild right after my grandchildren are born. I want to stay with them for a couple of weeks afterwards and help out. Will I be able to? Is it a matter of determination and meds? Or is it a matter of my body will have failed me and I am going to miss out. I want to give my kids everything my mother never gave me. She never gave me help when they were born. She never has babysat for them. She never was there when they were born. I want to be there. I want to be right there with their husbands whispering in their ear push baby, you can do it. I want to do all that and then some for my girls. They are great kids and they deserve it. I want to surround myself with my kids and grandkids and be able to do things with them. My granddaughter is the light of my life and I feel I can’t give to her what I want and what she deserves. I love to play with her, but she just wears me out before I should be worn out. I can see the disappointment on her face when I have to stop playing with her. It wrenches and twists my heart into a painful little knot in my chest. I can’t cry in front of her it will just confuse her. Why should she, my kids, or my dear and wonderful husband (I LOVE YOU BABE YOU ARE THE BESTEST IN THE WORLD!!) suffer because of my shortcomings from the RA? It just doesn’t seem fair. And they just deal with it like it is no big deal that Mom is tired, or flaring, or whatever. They just accept what is. So then, why can’t I? Because I need to be the caregiver. Not them. It should be me. All the time. Not just part time. I feel like a part time wife and mother. This is my own feelings. They never make me feel that way. I am blessed with a great family. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!
Went out for a bit last night. Had a good time. I talk online to my wonderful girlfriends (you guys know who you are) but I am still around kids while trying to have adult time. Without my girlfriends, I would be more nuts than I am. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! Don’t get me wrong. I love my kidlets muchly. I just need a break now and then since I don’t get out of the house that much anymore since I can’t drive. I have to depend on Danny. I can’t go shopping alone until my foot decides it wants to be normal again and not be all swollen and wants to move its toes. Dang foot. Those toes need to get up and get moving!! Maybe they don’t get enuf caffeine lol. They are at the end of my body. Mebbe I should take my caffeine via IV lol. I was yelling at them Marine Corp Drill Sarge style the other day. I thought I would scare them into action. Didn’t work lol. Here I sit with toes that don’t move and a foot so swollen that when I put it flat on the ground, my toes don’t touch the ground. Stupid toes. Stupid RA. It won’t fit in any of me shoes either. Why can’t it be summer and I can wear flip flops lol. My foot must be on crack lol. At least that is one of my girlfriends explanations for everything that is stupid lol.
Brrrr it’s cold out. 5 degrees but feels like 5 below with the wind chill factor. I am going to retire to where there is no such thing as a wind chill lol. I got the cutest pics of my dog and daughter this morning. I will post them on my myspace page after I edit them. Which I should go do now. I will be napping when we get back from the doc lol. UGH I HATE RA TODAY!! Flare, flare go away and never come back some other day!!!
Arielle’s knees have been hurting and that kind of worries me. Although the official studies say that there is not a genetic link that pre disposes you to RA, I think that is bunk. That is why my gramma had it, my mom has it, and my uncle has it. That is why I also think my oldest daughter has it. Now it looks like mebbe the middle daughter has it too. What a great thing to pass down to your kids eh. Talk about having some Mom guilt going on. I know that it isn’t my fault. There was nothing I could do to stop my RA from developing and there is nothing I can do to stop it in my kids. But I still feel guilty for handing down this defect that they don’t deserve. Well nobody deserves it. Here girls, you got this really great hair and beautiful eyes from me. But wait…here is something else that will overshadow all that and make you feel like crap and not give a damn that you have great hair and beautiful eyes. My middle daughter has the most beautiful hands with these long thin fingers. She could be a hand model. Well scratch that if she has arthritis. And what would that do to her dreams and aspirations of becoming a top notch chef with her own restaurant? Ugh I hate being Italian sometimes. That stupid worry gene. If my grandmother had 2 kids and they both developed RA, what are the chances that 2 out of 3 of the girls will get it? In this case the words in that Meatloaf song that 2 out of 3 ain’t bad does not apply here. What if my baby gets it? The child is just bent on going into the Navy and being a pilot. The child is just bent period lol. She wants to fly fighters off of Carriers lol. I KNOW my oldest daughter has it. But the child is having issues at this time and has no insurance so therefore no hope of treatment. She is only 21 and I know that there is damage going on. I don’t want any of my girlies to live the life that I do. I want them to have all good years. Not some good years. I want them to NOT have to worry about injections and infections and flares and side effects from meds and missing out on their kids school stuff and the list goes on and on. I fear that I will not be able to walk down the aisle for any of my girls weddings. I will either have a cane, crutches, or a wheelchair. I have nightmares about it. I want to take care of my child and grandchild right after my grandchildren are born. I want to stay with them for a couple of weeks afterwards and help out. Will I be able to? Is it a matter of determination and meds? Or is it a matter of my body will have failed me and I am going to miss out. I want to give my kids everything my mother never gave me. She never gave me help when they were born. She never has babysat for them. She never was there when they were born. I want to be there. I want to be right there with their husbands whispering in their ear push baby, you can do it. I want to do all that and then some for my girls. They are great kids and they deserve it. I want to surround myself with my kids and grandkids and be able to do things with them. My granddaughter is the light of my life and I feel I can’t give to her what I want and what she deserves. I love to play with her, but she just wears me out before I should be worn out. I can see the disappointment on her face when I have to stop playing with her. It wrenches and twists my heart into a painful little knot in my chest. I can’t cry in front of her it will just confuse her. Why should she, my kids, or my dear and wonderful husband (I LOVE YOU BABE YOU ARE THE BESTEST IN THE WORLD!!) suffer because of my shortcomings from the RA? It just doesn’t seem fair. And they just deal with it like it is no big deal that Mom is tired, or flaring, or whatever. They just accept what is. So then, why can’t I? Because I need to be the caregiver. Not them. It should be me. All the time. Not just part time. I feel like a part time wife and mother. This is my own feelings. They never make me feel that way. I am blessed with a great family. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!
Went out for a bit last night. Had a good time. I talk online to my wonderful girlfriends (you guys know who you are) but I am still around kids while trying to have adult time. Without my girlfriends, I would be more nuts than I am. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! Don’t get me wrong. I love my kidlets muchly. I just need a break now and then since I don’t get out of the house that much anymore since I can’t drive. I have to depend on Danny. I can’t go shopping alone until my foot decides it wants to be normal again and not be all swollen and wants to move its toes. Dang foot. Those toes need to get up and get moving!! Maybe they don’t get enuf caffeine lol. They are at the end of my body. Mebbe I should take my caffeine via IV lol. I was yelling at them Marine Corp Drill Sarge style the other day. I thought I would scare them into action. Didn’t work lol. Here I sit with toes that don’t move and a foot so swollen that when I put it flat on the ground, my toes don’t touch the ground. Stupid toes. Stupid RA. It won’t fit in any of me shoes either. Why can’t it be summer and I can wear flip flops lol. My foot must be on crack lol. At least that is one of my girlfriends explanations for everything that is stupid lol.
Brrrr it’s cold out. 5 degrees but feels like 5 below with the wind chill factor. I am going to retire to where there is no such thing as a wind chill lol. I got the cutest pics of my dog and daughter this morning. I will post them on my myspace page after I edit them. Which I should go do now. I will be napping when we get back from the doc lol. UGH I HATE RA TODAY!! Flare, flare go away and never come back some other day!!!
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